Jesus googles before a date -- do you?

Despite what Al Gore says, Jesus created the internet so he wouldn't have to deal with all the crowds around his birthday.

During Christmas, he can shop and stay in touch with friends without leaving his beach house.

He discovered a bonus by "googling" his potential dates before he goes out with them.

"Why doesn't everyone google before a date?"

he asks me.

Thanks to Jesus, I googled my husband before dating him.

Do you google before dating?

If not, let me show you how!

The Dating Coaches

Jesus met Kate Moss at a charity event and said she was looking hot

but when googled her before their date, he found some major turn-offs on Perez Hilton:

Perez Hilton on Kate Moss

Jesus no longer does "crazy"

I swear, Jesus has the wackiest sense of humor...

... or at least I think he was kidding when he told me he created Britney Spears in the image of an old girlfriend he dated about a thousand years ago!

Seems he used to be attracted to hot and wild women

until they kept turning out to be nutcases.

COACH'S NOTE:

"Why it took Jesus a millenium to figure this out

isn't as important as the fact that he finally did!

So don't beat yourself up if you keep dating crazies...

it is possible to change!"

Jesus and I are living proof that you can find true love without crazy!

How?

Just follow Jesus' SIMPLE BUT MIRACULOUS TIPS in the form of my DATE RECAP(tm).

Finding Your Mate Online! (pgs. 193 - 196)

Fill out this recap religiously after every date, and actually follow your own advice.

(That's the miraculous part. That you actually follow good advice -- oh, you know what I'm talking about!)

As Jesus said to me,

"I don't care what people call it --

listening to your gut...

following your intuition...

My-hand-guiding-your-pen-to-paper...

-- the DATE RECAP(tm) really works!"

At age 43, I got married to a hot and wild NORMAL man...

... after a lifetime of hot and wild CRAZY guys.

Thank you, Jesus!

Jesus wants you to look in the mirror

First thing this morning, even before I have my coffee --

and Jesus knows how much I love my coffee

-- Jesus says to me:

"Hello? Have we heard of a miracle called a mirror?"

Why do people post pictures where they look like serial killers*

or have a serious case of bitch face*?

And I'm thinking,

"Uh, Son of God, you would know this better than--"

At which he reminded me that it was a rhetorical question.

So help me get Jesus off my back by following his online dating tip for photos:

"Before you post and/or exchange photos,

ask a friend -- similar to the type you'd like to marry --

what they honestly think of your photo.

And then... follow their advice."

Too embarrassed to ask a friend?

Ask the experts:

The Dating Coaches!

And we'll reply after our morning coffee.

*Real photos, folks, from real dating websites. The opinions expressed, however, are Jesus'.