Jesus is NOT lost!

Nothing pisses off Jesus more than bad people claiming they've "found" him...

... especially after they've done terrible things.

Personally, I wish these criminals would stop bringing up Jesus' name because I'm tired of hearing him rant about:

Michael Vick

Son of Sam

Charles "Evil Genius" Colson

Jesus has a great way to weed out losers in online dating:

"It's a major red flag

when someone writes in their online ad

that they've found me.

I haven't been lost --

I've just been hanging with people who are busy

improving the world without mentioning me

Paul Newman

Cecile Richards

Dave and Cheryl Duffield

Cindy Waitt

What you can believe is

actions speak louder than words.

I tried to get this message across by asking

Janet to write in her song,

'What have you done for the world lately,'

but, no, she's a Jackson and she knows better than me--"

(Edited for length. Once you get Jesus going on a topic, it's hard to get him to stop!)

COACH'S ADVICE:

Volunteering is a great way to connect with other daters!

It's easy -- here's one idea:

1. Get involved either in person or online with a favorite organization.

(Both Jesus and Dating Coach Karin Anderson love PETA, ASPCA and Childreach.)

2. Mention your favorite charity in your online ad.

3. Post your online ad on speciality sites that connect people who love to volunteer such as Act4Love.

Jesus isn't perfect... and neither are you!

Jesus wonders why people like to list all their faults in their online dating ads?

"Don't they know that no one's perfect and

everyone has problems?"

Jesus assumes that his dates know he has issues

- Living up to his father's image

- Embarrassing scars on hands and feet

- Bad hair days

But he doesn't list these issues in his online dating ad.

As one of THE DATING COACHES, I get a lot of questions about the information people should post in their ads.

Too little info?

Your date might feel you're hiding something...

Too much info?

Your date might be turned off...

With some help from Jesus, here are two simple rules to follow in dating!

1. THE GOLDEN RULE

"Date unto others as you would have them date unto you..."

When wondering if you should tell your date about X, ask yourself:

"Would I want to know about X before I met someone?"

For example, if X is:

"I come from a dysfunctional family..."

No need to reveal that before a first date. We all have family issues.

If X is:

"I have a visible physical deformity or characteristic..."

You should reveal that before a first date so your date isn't startled or fixated on it. You want all the attention on you!

2. THE LANIE RULE

My sister-in-law once remarked about her autistic son:

"Sometimes life's initial tragedies turn out to be our greatest blessings..."

When describing the X you want to reveal before first meeting, present it in the positive light it deserves.

We're all humans in the same boat! We know that is sometimes sucks to

- Have a special needs child

- Deal with a physical deformity

- Suffer from a disease

But share with your potential date the silver lining you found, the lemonade you made. Your positive radiance will attract other positive people.

As the the inspirational Anne Frank said:

"I don't think of all the misery

but of the beauty that still remains."

Jesus googles before a date -- do you?

Despite what Al Gore says, Jesus created the internet so he wouldn't have to deal with all the crowds around his birthday.

During Christmas, he can shop and stay in touch with friends without leaving his beach house.

He discovered a bonus by "googling" his potential dates before he goes out with them.

"Why doesn't everyone google before a date?"

he asks me.

Thanks to Jesus, I googled my husband before dating him.

Do you google before dating?

If not, let me show you how!

The Dating Coaches

Jesus met Kate Moss at a charity event and said she was looking hot

but when googled her before their date, he found some major turn-offs on Perez Hilton:

Perez Hilton on Kate Moss

Jesus no longer does "crazy"

I swear, Jesus has the wackiest sense of humor...

... or at least I think he was kidding when he told me he created Britney Spears in the image of an old girlfriend he dated about a thousand years ago!

Seems he used to be attracted to hot and wild women

until they kept turning out to be nutcases.

COACH'S NOTE:

"Why it took Jesus a millenium to figure this out

isn't as important as the fact that he finally did!

So don't beat yourself up if you keep dating crazies...

it is possible to change!"

Jesus and I are living proof that you can find true love without crazy!

How?

Just follow Jesus' SIMPLE BUT MIRACULOUS TIPS in the form of my DATE RECAP(tm).

Finding Your Mate Online! (pgs. 193 - 196)

Fill out this recap religiously after every date, and actually follow your own advice.

(That's the miraculous part. That you actually follow good advice -- oh, you know what I'm talking about!)

As Jesus said to me,

"I don't care what people call it --

listening to your gut...

following your intuition...

My-hand-guiding-your-pen-to-paper...

-- the DATE RECAP(tm) really works!"

At age 43, I got married to a hot and wild NORMAL man...

... after a lifetime of hot and wild CRAZY guys.

Thank you, Jesus!

Jesus wants you to look in the mirror

First thing this morning, even before I have my coffee --

and Jesus knows how much I love my coffee

-- Jesus says to me:

"Hello? Have we heard of a miracle called a mirror?"

Why do people post pictures where they look like serial killers*

or have a serious case of bitch face*?

And I'm thinking,

"Uh, Son of God, you would know this better than--"

At which he reminded me that it was a rhetorical question.

So help me get Jesus off my back by following his online dating tip for photos:

"Before you post and/or exchange photos,

ask a friend -- similar to the type you'd like to marry --

what they honestly think of your photo.

And then... follow their advice."

Too embarrassed to ask a friend?

Ask the experts:

The Dating Coaches!

And we'll reply after our morning coffee.

*Real photos, folks, from real dating websites. The opinions expressed, however, are Jesus'.